We've reached the final year of our 3-year posting, and up until recently, I've felt as though, "The Countdown is On!" Officially, we have only 8 months (and 14 days...but who's counting?) left on our posting...which, with all the technicalities, will work out to be about 1 year and 5-ish months. I've looking forward to the coming months since the day I left my home in NB, knowing how excited I would be to someday return and be close to my family again.
I don't want to make where I live sound like the armpit of Canada: it's a beautiful place, with welcoming people, and a breathtaking landscape. We're lucky enough to be in force housing, we have a great church, we love our jobs, and we've made so many wonderful friends. But there's just that can compare to being close to your family. And until recently, what got me through being so far away from them all was my Mental Countdown: "Just 2 and 1/2 more years.".... "Just 18 more months." .... "Next Year".
So what do I do now that, "Next Year" might end up being, "2013"...
Isn't it funny how easy it is to calmly say that, "God's in Control", when deep down we actually feel like we are? Maybe it's only me who suffers from, "Let Me Do It My Way!!" syndrome...but somehow I doubt it.
When I firmly believed that the only place we would be considering for our next posting was closer to home, I had no problem smiling and reassuring myself that my God would work it all out according to His plan for us. Maybe because I believed He would work it out the way I thought it should work out? Now that we're looking at other options, one's that are not my first choice, I'm finding it so much harder to TRUST.
Which, I guess, is the whole point. I'm not actually trusting HIM if I'm trying to do it all myself.
If I leave work to go to Sobey's, the Mall, and then Home Depot, I can't just drive and figure out the quickest route as I go: I'm the kind of person that absolutely must figure out my route before I even put my car in drive. When I go to yard sales, I draw a map: I have to know which roads to take, where I'm going first, second, third, etc. before I leave my house, or else I get flustered. I am NOT a fly by the seat of my pants sort of girl.
Now, my life is way bigger than yard sales (not to everyone I guess...but to me it is :) ), and I have such a difficult time not having a plan. But Matthew 6:34 tells us, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." (NLT) There's a toughie. In my marriage I'm the worrier. I worry that the curtains will catch fire (in all fairness) and that not getting an oil change on time will, "Wreck our truck". I always buy travel insurance. I pay the bills way ahead of time for fear that there will be some hold-up, the payments won't go through, we'll get bad credit, and we'll never be able to buy a house (Hey, I'm reasonable, if nothing else! ). So you can imagine how anxious I must feel, not knowing what house, or town, or province (or territory, for that matter...) I might be living in a year from now. It's a stressful thought.
If you get a moment, send up a little prayer for my sanity. And my anxious heart. Because if there's one thing worse for the heart than red meat and salt, it's anxiety!
Hope you have a BEAUTIFUL weekend!
Showing posts with label Lessons Learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons Learned. Show all posts
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Faithfulness
A little lesson on faithfulness. Not mine...His.
Labour Day Weekend brought with it time off, sunshine, and friends. We had a Big Barbeque on our Little Island on saturday, and we were super excited that so many people were able to make the great trek across the big water (Pictures to come...maybe). My enjoyment of this past weekend brought me to think about Point 1 of my 2 point "lesson learned":
(1) The God I serve cares about the little things.
I've always known this, but I find that I'm quite forgetful. God could've placed us on this island, in this brand-new province, and said, "Deal with it". We could be living here with no friends, and no church to attend, and still we would have served Him, and loved Him. But He is faithful to the desires of our hearts, whether they be big or small. I'm quite certain that He knew the loneliness we felt moving here, leaving all our friends and family members behind. Just like He knew our desire for friendship and fellowship, and a church family. He's blessed us with friendships that I believe we'll take with us even when our post here is finished.And we're so thankful.
(2) The God I serve cares about the things I don't even think to ask for.
Ever notice how sometimes, you end up exactly where you should be, but you know that you never would have thought to try and work things out that way? I cannot even begin to count the examples, from my own life, of God sending me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Now, this is not to be confused with what I want. A few examples?
I thought I wanted a man who would spoil me, and coddle me, and baby me. What I got, however, was exactly what I needed: a man who challenges me to be stronger; who encourages me to see the positive in a situation instead of whine about the injustices; who tells me when I'm being a brat, but also lets me vent when he knows I need it. And he loves me right through it all.
I thought I wanted a job where I could have fun, and enjoy every second, make friends, and (yup, it's true) put together nice outfits to wear every morning. Instead, God knew what I needed, and placed me in a job where, most days, there are points where I seriously consider pulling my hair out, where there's no point wearing anything but old jeans or sweats, and where I become frustrated to the point of almost crying, but still need to smile and use my "patient voice" (Betcha didn't even know I HAD one of those!). But it's also a job where every smile and the rare "Hi!" absolutely light up my day; where any eye contact over 2 seconds makes me tear up like I've just had an hour long heart-to-heart; and where, when those little arms reach out for a hug, you feel your heart leaving your chest and bursting into a thousand tiny pieces. It's a job that brings me to tears at least 3 times every week, but where every overcome hurdle is means for an enormous celebration. It's where my God knew I needed to be.
So this is where my thoughts have been lately. On how amazing and faithful the Lord is to us, even when we are so unfaithful in our anticipation of all He has planned for us.
The verse husband and I had on our wedding bulletin was from Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE, and a future".
"Hope" isn't in capitals in the Bible. I did that :)
Because hope is so HUGE! Hope for tomorrow, and next month, and next year...Hope for all the good things He has for our lives. Not just in the big things, like marriage, and children, and a career...but also in the things that might be insignificant to everyone but me. The things that I may not think I want, but that He is faithful in knowing I need. The little things.
Labour Day Weekend brought with it time off, sunshine, and friends. We had a Big Barbeque on our Little Island on saturday, and we were super excited that so many people were able to make the great trek across the big water (Pictures to come...maybe). My enjoyment of this past weekend brought me to think about Point 1 of my 2 point "lesson learned":
(1) The God I serve cares about the little things.
I've always known this, but I find that I'm quite forgetful. God could've placed us on this island, in this brand-new province, and said, "Deal with it". We could be living here with no friends, and no church to attend, and still we would have served Him, and loved Him. But He is faithful to the desires of our hearts, whether they be big or small. I'm quite certain that He knew the loneliness we felt moving here, leaving all our friends and family members behind. Just like He knew our desire for friendship and fellowship, and a church family. He's blessed us with friendships that I believe we'll take with us even when our post here is finished.And we're so thankful.
(2) The God I serve cares about the things I don't even think to ask for.
Ever notice how sometimes, you end up exactly where you should be, but you know that you never would have thought to try and work things out that way? I cannot even begin to count the examples, from my own life, of God sending me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Now, this is not to be confused with what I want. A few examples?
I thought I wanted a man who would spoil me, and coddle me, and baby me. What I got, however, was exactly what I needed: a man who challenges me to be stronger; who encourages me to see the positive in a situation instead of whine about the injustices; who tells me when I'm being a brat, but also lets me vent when he knows I need it. And he loves me right through it all.
I thought I wanted a job where I could have fun, and enjoy every second, make friends, and (yup, it's true) put together nice outfits to wear every morning. Instead, God knew what I needed, and placed me in a job where, most days, there are points where I seriously consider pulling my hair out, where there's no point wearing anything but old jeans or sweats, and where I become frustrated to the point of almost crying, but still need to smile and use my "patient voice" (Betcha didn't even know I HAD one of those!). But it's also a job where every smile and the rare "Hi!" absolutely light up my day; where any eye contact over 2 seconds makes me tear up like I've just had an hour long heart-to-heart; and where, when those little arms reach out for a hug, you feel your heart leaving your chest and bursting into a thousand tiny pieces. It's a job that brings me to tears at least 3 times every week, but where every overcome hurdle is means for an enormous celebration. It's where my God knew I needed to be.
So this is where my thoughts have been lately. On how amazing and faithful the Lord is to us, even when we are so unfaithful in our anticipation of all He has planned for us.
The verse husband and I had on our wedding bulletin was from Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE, and a future".
"Hope" isn't in capitals in the Bible. I did that :)
Because hope is so HUGE! Hope for tomorrow, and next month, and next year...Hope for all the good things He has for our lives. Not just in the big things, like marriage, and children, and a career...but also in the things that might be insignificant to everyone but me. The things that I may not think I want, but that He is faithful in knowing I need. The little things.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
All The Things I Think I Want...
I think I was probably born thinking I know what's best for me. Ask my parents: I'm sure they'll completely agree with this statement. I think it's safe to say that more often than not, we turn to God when I situation has gotten so completely out of our control that His hand is now the only answer.
I am constantly reminding myself of why I am here: Not here, as in, alive and on this earth; but here, as in, so far away from my family. If I'm not careful, my thinking seems to gravitate towards:
I am here because this is where my husband got posted. We have to put in time here before we can have a chance at being posted closer to home.
Not true!! Everytime I manage to calm my mind, and be still, I hear my God saying, "You are here because I PLACED YOU HERE. You are here because I LOVE YOU, AND I WANT ONLY WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. You are here because THIS IS MY PLAN FOR YOU."
When Jamie and I were planning our wedding invitations, we chose one of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11, to go at the top of them:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope, and a future."
I'm seeing a big problem in my thinking, one that I'm only now starting to address. Since our wedding, I've felt a bit like I'm waiting for our "future", the one our God has promised us, to begin. We've had so many ups and downs since our wedding that I sort of feel as though we can't just be a "normal" couple until we're back closer to home, living in our own house, together. Because we've never really had that!
The obvious problem with this is me, and my brain.
I'm realizing just how much stock I've put into this picture in my mind of what mine and Jamie's life should look like. So much so, that instead of being "content in every situation", I find myself being, "somewhat content in looking forward to the day our situation changes". And that's not a good thing.
The thing is, I don't really learn well. Looking back on every single frustrating or confusing situation we've been through, I can see God's hand so clearly. In every moment where I felt completely helpless, or overwhelmed, I can now see how the Lord was very carefully crafting out His plan for me, and for us. But still, in any and every situation, I find myself with the desire to do things my way, to make decisions based on all I think I know. But as humans, we are so limited in our understanding of God's ways, and His plans for us. Isaiah 55:8-9 says:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
So. Unto my Veggie Tales-ish rendition of "What I Learned Today" (or, in my case, am currently learning...).
I'm learning that His plan for me doesn't start in some far off day when I'm living the life I've always thought I wanted; it has already started, and often I'm too busy looking towards tomorrow to notice it.
I'm learning that there is nothing I could dream up for my life that could bring me more joy or fulfillment than the plans He has for me; the plans He's always had for me.
I'm learning that when my God has something to tell me, He usually won't stop me in my tracks with a clap of lightening or a giant billboard. He want's me to make the effort to listen, so that when He decides to speak in a gentle whisper, I'll still hear Him.
And I'm learning that if He is moving me to take a step, He will be the Rock for me to stand on.
I am constantly reminding myself of why I am here: Not here, as in, alive and on this earth; but here, as in, so far away from my family. If I'm not careful, my thinking seems to gravitate towards:
I am here because this is where my husband got posted. We have to put in time here before we can have a chance at being posted closer to home.
Not true!! Everytime I manage to calm my mind, and be still, I hear my God saying, "You are here because I PLACED YOU HERE. You are here because I LOVE YOU, AND I WANT ONLY WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. You are here because THIS IS MY PLAN FOR YOU."
When Jamie and I were planning our wedding invitations, we chose one of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11, to go at the top of them:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope, and a future."
I'm seeing a big problem in my thinking, one that I'm only now starting to address. Since our wedding, I've felt a bit like I'm waiting for our "future", the one our God has promised us, to begin. We've had so many ups and downs since our wedding that I sort of feel as though we can't just be a "normal" couple until we're back closer to home, living in our own house, together. Because we've never really had that!
The obvious problem with this is me, and my brain.
I'm realizing just how much stock I've put into this picture in my mind of what mine and Jamie's life should look like. So much so, that instead of being "content in every situation", I find myself being, "somewhat content in looking forward to the day our situation changes". And that's not a good thing.
The thing is, I don't really learn well. Looking back on every single frustrating or confusing situation we've been through, I can see God's hand so clearly. In every moment where I felt completely helpless, or overwhelmed, I can now see how the Lord was very carefully crafting out His plan for me, and for us. But still, in any and every situation, I find myself with the desire to do things my way, to make decisions based on all I think I know. But as humans, we are so limited in our understanding of God's ways, and His plans for us. Isaiah 55:8-9 says:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
So. Unto my Veggie Tales-ish rendition of "What I Learned Today" (or, in my case, am currently learning...).
I'm learning that His plan for me doesn't start in some far off day when I'm living the life I've always thought I wanted; it has already started, and often I'm too busy looking towards tomorrow to notice it.
I'm learning that there is nothing I could dream up for my life that could bring me more joy or fulfillment than the plans He has for me; the plans He's always had for me.
I'm learning that when my God has something to tell me, He usually won't stop me in my tracks with a clap of lightening or a giant billboard. He want's me to make the effort to listen, so that when He decides to speak in a gentle whisper, I'll still hear Him.
And I'm learning that if He is moving me to take a step, He will be the Rock for me to stand on.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Three.
THREE. Just THREE more sleeps till we board the wonderful ferry, leave Bell Island in the dust (or rather, waves), and escape this great province for TWO WEEKS!!!
Now, my excitement comes not from leaving our home and friends for two weeks, but from GOING TO our home and friends (our other ones) for two weeks. We haven't been home since the first of January. There is much missing going on in my heart.
And then there's the biggest nephew. Picture the cutest 1 year, 9 months, 24 days-year-old human imaginable, and multiply it by 8 kazillion. This is the cuteness that is my nephew. I basically spend my whole vacation taking pictures of him. And they don't even do him justice.
Then there is the littlest nephew. He was born in March, so we have yet to even meet him (other than on Facebook of course). He looks like a little raindrop, and I have a feeling I may, in fact, lose control and chew on those sweet little cheeks while we're home.
(On a sidenote, just in case you're wondering, there is no "medium nephew" who I've neglected to mention because of any lack of cuteness.)
So. Three days.
I'm naturally a, "glass is half empty" kind of gal, so the only problem with this is that as much as I want to get home, as crazy excited as I am to see my family and friends...I actually ENJOY the waiting...it gives me something to look forward to. I beleive most of the enjoyment can be found in anticipation. Now, back to my negative side...this means that the SECOND we set foot into our home town, I start the countdown. It goes something like this:
Jamie (the positive half of our marriage): "Bub, isn't it SO nice to be home?!"
Katie: "SIGH. Yaaaaaah...but now we only have 12 days left" (Pout) "And TOMORROW, we'll
only have ELEVEN days. SIIIIIIGH"
Jamie: "Oh. My. Word."
So my goal for this trip, (OTHER than eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate covered cheesecake bites with my sister, and not falling down the aisle in my brother's wedding) is to simply enjoy.
We'll see how that goes.
Now, my excitement comes not from leaving our home and friends for two weeks, but from GOING TO our home and friends (our other ones) for two weeks. We haven't been home since the first of January. There is much missing going on in my heart.
And then there's the biggest nephew. Picture the cutest 1 year, 9 months, 24 days-year-old human imaginable, and multiply it by 8 kazillion. This is the cuteness that is my nephew. I basically spend my whole vacation taking pictures of him. And they don't even do him justice.
Then there is the littlest nephew. He was born in March, so we have yet to even meet him (other than on Facebook of course). He looks like a little raindrop, and I have a feeling I may, in fact, lose control and chew on those sweet little cheeks while we're home.
(On a sidenote, just in case you're wondering, there is no "medium nephew" who I've neglected to mention because of any lack of cuteness.)
So. Three days.
I'm naturally a, "glass is half empty" kind of gal, so the only problem with this is that as much as I want to get home, as crazy excited as I am to see my family and friends...I actually ENJOY the waiting...it gives me something to look forward to. I beleive most of the enjoyment can be found in anticipation. Now, back to my negative side...this means that the SECOND we set foot into our home town, I start the countdown. It goes something like this:
Jamie (the positive half of our marriage): "Bub, isn't it SO nice to be home?!"
Katie: "SIGH. Yaaaaaah...but now we only have 12 days left" (Pout) "And TOMORROW, we'll
only have ELEVEN days. SIIIIIIGH"
Jamie: "Oh. My. Word."
So my goal for this trip, (OTHER than eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate covered cheesecake bites with my sister, and not falling down the aisle in my brother's wedding) is to simply enjoy.
We'll see how that goes.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Mirror, mirror
There are certain unwritten rules about being female, rules that seem to apply to most women in regards to our habits and emotions and lifestyles...my favorite of which is the general assumption that all women love to shop. This really is a very general assumption. Not ALL women like to shop. There are exceptions to every rule. However, much to my husband's dismay, in this case, I just so happen to be the rule. I love shopping. For anything, really, but mostly for clothes (big shocker there!). Now don't get me wrong: I could not directly relate to the main character in "Confessions of a Shopoholic". I'm not an impulse shopper, or a big spender. I don't even own a credit card in my name! So it's safe to say that I'm a careful shopper...but nontheless, the love affair remains.
It is such a nice feeling to put on a new outfit. The upside is that you feel fresh, and well-groomed, and completely put-together. The downside...this feelings usually only lasts for the "first wearing". This can become a dangerous pattern :)
So keeping our hard earned dollars, and our plans to put X number of dollars into savings each month in mind, I launched a separate branch of our savings plan (Save-a-Palooza 2009!!!) called "Cold Turkey". NO shopping for anything that I would wear on my body. This included (but was not limited to), clothing, jewelery, shoes (awwww maaaan...), and purses (many more groans). I actually drew up my own contract, complete with exceptions (buying shoes for a wedding I'm in this summer), Border Limitations (allowing me to shop if I left the country, thus leaving this fall's shopping trip to Bangor within my allowances), and one potential circumstance that would leave the contract null and void (if I was to become pregnant, and require maternity clothes). Oh, it was all very official! It was to last for one year from the date signed...January 12th, 2009.
I lasted a little over three months. With a huff and a, "What a stupid idea that was!" I headed into Avalon Mall with a shopping buddy last saturday...and never looked back :) I emerged many, many hours later, with not only a few shopping bags, but also a new-ish realization.
It's ok for me to want to look nice!!!
The Bible talks about how a woman's beauty is to come from within: from a humble and gentle spirit, and a heart after God. In James 4:7, we're told that God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (James 4:7).
If I'm gaining any sort of pride from outward appearance (or inward, for that matter), then that is not ok.
If my spirit is suffering because of the time being spent on my outward self, then something is wrong.
If I'm spending more time and effort on what the world sees than on what my God sees, then something is really, really wrong.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine blogged about how our bodies are only "temporary homes". I love the way she worded that! It's really such a simply truth that sometimes it's easy to miss! This body I'm in, regardless of how I dress is, or what kind of shape I get it in, is getting closer to the end of its purpose with every breath that I take. So why all the work? Am I planning to someday come face to face with the God of the Universe, and say, "Yah, I know my soul is a little rough around the edges...I have a lot of bitterness...a lot of pride...a lot of envy...But, did you see the outfit I wore to my Grad dinner? SUPER nice. And the time I chopped my bangs? Man, did THAT look great or what?? Plus, I don't know if you noticed, but I once gave up chocolate and lost those lingering 5 pounds!" Seriously. Why do we worry so much about the part of us that is so hopelessly temporary?
These are the thoughts that have been on my mind a lot lately. The fact of the matter is, I like to try my best to look nice. I don't think this is wrong of me. I'm just learning, more and more, just how much lower on my list of priorties the desire to, "look nice" should be. About 4 years ago, I almost missed the Easter service at my church. I accidently overslept, and didn't have time to do my hair OR iron my brand new Easter outfit before heading to the church early for choir practice (in an non-Easter-y outfit the I had long ago deemed to be, "old and ugly", but was at least wrinkle-free and clean). I spent the whole of praise and worship time worrying about how I looked, and looking around me with annoyance at everyone in their beautiful Easter clothes. I fidgeted, picked at my hair, and, in the end, missed a solid half-hour of worshiping my Lord all because I couldn't get over my insecurities. Then, during the message, my heart was hit with just how ridiculous I was being. I sat with silent tears through the rest of the service, slightly in shock at just how prideful I was actually capable of being. I asked my God for forgiveness. I promised Him I would try harder to focus on my heart, and less on the way I looked. Then, after the service, as we were on our way out the door, we stopped to talk to a friend of mine of Jamie's, who turned to me and said, "By the way, you look really pretty this morning!" I almost laughed out loud at God's timing...the way He puts people in our paths who will encourage us, lift us up...and sometimes give us a wake up call just when we need it most! That morning I was hit with the reminder that it's not just a pretty, flowery saying: When we have a humble spirit, and a God-seeking heart, His love really does shine through us, and out of us. And how can that make us anything but beautiful?
1 Samuel 16:6-8 says that, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (NIV)
I hope what the my God likes what He sees when he looks at my heart. It's not always very pretty. But it's slowly being remodelled.
"Beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV)
It is such a nice feeling to put on a new outfit. The upside is that you feel fresh, and well-groomed, and completely put-together. The downside...this feelings usually only lasts for the "first wearing". This can become a dangerous pattern :)
So keeping our hard earned dollars, and our plans to put X number of dollars into savings each month in mind, I launched a separate branch of our savings plan (Save-a-Palooza 2009!!!) called "Cold Turkey". NO shopping for anything that I would wear on my body. This included (but was not limited to), clothing, jewelery, shoes (awwww maaaan...), and purses (many more groans). I actually drew up my own contract, complete with exceptions (buying shoes for a wedding I'm in this summer), Border Limitations (allowing me to shop if I left the country, thus leaving this fall's shopping trip to Bangor within my allowances), and one potential circumstance that would leave the contract null and void (if I was to become pregnant, and require maternity clothes). Oh, it was all very official! It was to last for one year from the date signed...January 12th, 2009.
I lasted a little over three months. With a huff and a, "What a stupid idea that was!" I headed into Avalon Mall with a shopping buddy last saturday...and never looked back :) I emerged many, many hours later, with not only a few shopping bags, but also a new-ish realization.
It's ok for me to want to look nice!!!
The Bible talks about how a woman's beauty is to come from within: from a humble and gentle spirit, and a heart after God. In James 4:7, we're told that God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (James 4:7).
If I'm gaining any sort of pride from outward appearance (or inward, for that matter), then that is not ok.
If my spirit is suffering because of the time being spent on my outward self, then something is wrong.
If I'm spending more time and effort on what the world sees than on what my God sees, then something is really, really wrong.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine blogged about how our bodies are only "temporary homes". I love the way she worded that! It's really such a simply truth that sometimes it's easy to miss! This body I'm in, regardless of how I dress is, or what kind of shape I get it in, is getting closer to the end of its purpose with every breath that I take. So why all the work? Am I planning to someday come face to face with the God of the Universe, and say, "Yah, I know my soul is a little rough around the edges...I have a lot of bitterness...a lot of pride...a lot of envy...But, did you see the outfit I wore to my Grad dinner? SUPER nice. And the time I chopped my bangs? Man, did THAT look great or what?? Plus, I don't know if you noticed, but I once gave up chocolate and lost those lingering 5 pounds!" Seriously. Why do we worry so much about the part of us that is so hopelessly temporary?
These are the thoughts that have been on my mind a lot lately. The fact of the matter is, I like to try my best to look nice. I don't think this is wrong of me. I'm just learning, more and more, just how much lower on my list of priorties the desire to, "look nice" should be. About 4 years ago, I almost missed the Easter service at my church. I accidently overslept, and didn't have time to do my hair OR iron my brand new Easter outfit before heading to the church early for choir practice (in an non-Easter-y outfit the I had long ago deemed to be, "old and ugly", but was at least wrinkle-free and clean). I spent the whole of praise and worship time worrying about how I looked, and looking around me with annoyance at everyone in their beautiful Easter clothes. I fidgeted, picked at my hair, and, in the end, missed a solid half-hour of worshiping my Lord all because I couldn't get over my insecurities. Then, during the message, my heart was hit with just how ridiculous I was being. I sat with silent tears through the rest of the service, slightly in shock at just how prideful I was actually capable of being. I asked my God for forgiveness. I promised Him I would try harder to focus on my heart, and less on the way I looked. Then, after the service, as we were on our way out the door, we stopped to talk to a friend of mine of Jamie's, who turned to me and said, "By the way, you look really pretty this morning!" I almost laughed out loud at God's timing...the way He puts people in our paths who will encourage us, lift us up...and sometimes give us a wake up call just when we need it most! That morning I was hit with the reminder that it's not just a pretty, flowery saying: When we have a humble spirit, and a God-seeking heart, His love really does shine through us, and out of us. And how can that make us anything but beautiful?
1 Samuel 16:6-8 says that, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (NIV)
I hope what the my God likes what He sees when he looks at my heart. It's not always very pretty. But it's slowly being remodelled.
"Beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV)
Monday, April 13, 2009
The "Poor-Me's" don't take Easter Holidays...
So this weekend was Easter. And I spent many an hour quietly sulking in my mind over the fact that everyone around me had the privilege of looking forward to an Easter dinner/weekend with their families. This basically went on and on until I suddenly was reminded of LAST Easter. Here's last Easter in a nutshell:
(It's Easter Sunday morning, 2008. Jamie and Katie are waiting in their car in the ferry lineup to go over to town for the sunday morning service at a church they have only recently started attending, aka where they hardly know anyone).
Katie: "I'm SOOOO happy we get to have this day together!!!"
Jamie's cell phone begins to ring....
Katie: "Don'tansweritDon'tansweritDon'tanswerit........."
Jamie's boss on cell phone: "Um we need backup. You're going to have to not go to church."
..........At which point Katie has to pull out of the ferry lineup, drop her husband off at the office, and return to the ferry...alone...to attend church...alone.
Fun story, huh? Basically, my mopiness was interrupted by the memory of last Easter, when I not only did not get to share Easter with my family, I didn't even get to share it with my husband. My subsequent (and alarmingly fast) realization was this: regardless of who we are with, or aren't with, or wish we were with, this weekend is one that we set aside specifically to remember Christ's death and celebrate His resurrection. It's supposed to be for HIM.
It's so wonderful to be with family, and the ones we love, especially during holidays. It warms the heart and usually makes everything just feel right. But I am learning, once again, that I must first celebrate HIM.
And the undeserved sacrifice He made. For me.
And the unfathomable suffering He endured. For me.
And the unconditional love he extends. For me.
This past weekend, I found myself, once again, I could feel a part of me (this is also the part of me that can occasionally have a bad temper and a selfish attitude) just wishing that I could to spend my requisite hour in church, and then spend the following hours with my family and friends, eating a beautiful meal off a finely crafted table in a tastfully decorated home, all the while trying desperately to maintain my comfort by pushing to the back of my mind the true reason for our gathering together:
"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered Him stricken by God, smitten by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth; He was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so He did not open his mouth." - Isaiah 53:3-7 (NIV)
There is nothing wrong with me enjoying the company and fellowship of my family and friends. However, I'm learning that if that is simply not an option at the time, its ok! He GAVE these people to me! HE brought them into my life! But He still calls on me to place Him first, above all else.
To remember that this weekend we set aside is all about Him, and all He has done.
To remember that my life is all about Him, and all that He is doing, and has yet to do.
Last year, I spent Easter mostly alone, complaining to my God, who continues to be everlastingly patient with me.
This year, I spent Easter with my husband. That's a step up! I tried my best to keep my eyes solely on my Lord, and off of myself.
And so, with my God continually working on my attitude, next year is looking bright and promising!
Happy Easter Monday!
(It's Easter Sunday morning, 2008. Jamie and Katie are waiting in their car in the ferry lineup to go over to town for the sunday morning service at a church they have only recently started attending, aka where they hardly know anyone).
Katie: "I'm SOOOO happy we get to have this day together!!!"
Jamie's cell phone begins to ring....
Katie: "Don'tansweritDon'tansweritDon'tanswerit........."
Jamie's boss on cell phone: "Um we need backup. You're going to have to not go to church."
..........At which point Katie has to pull out of the ferry lineup, drop her husband off at the office, and return to the ferry...alone...to attend church...alone.
Fun story, huh? Basically, my mopiness was interrupted by the memory of last Easter, when I not only did not get to share Easter with my family, I didn't even get to share it with my husband. My subsequent (and alarmingly fast) realization was this: regardless of who we are with, or aren't with, or wish we were with, this weekend is one that we set aside specifically to remember Christ's death and celebrate His resurrection. It's supposed to be for HIM.
It's so wonderful to be with family, and the ones we love, especially during holidays. It warms the heart and usually makes everything just feel right. But I am learning, once again, that I must first celebrate HIM.
And the undeserved sacrifice He made. For me.
And the unfathomable suffering He endured. For me.
And the unconditional love he extends. For me.
This past weekend, I found myself, once again, I could feel a part of me (this is also the part of me that can occasionally have a bad temper and a selfish attitude) just wishing that I could to spend my requisite hour in church, and then spend the following hours with my family and friends, eating a beautiful meal off a finely crafted table in a tastfully decorated home, all the while trying desperately to maintain my comfort by pushing to the back of my mind the true reason for our gathering together:
"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered Him stricken by God, smitten by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth; He was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so He did not open his mouth." - Isaiah 53:3-7 (NIV)
There is nothing wrong with me enjoying the company and fellowship of my family and friends. However, I'm learning that if that is simply not an option at the time, its ok! He GAVE these people to me! HE brought them into my life! But He still calls on me to place Him first, above all else.
To remember that this weekend we set aside is all about Him, and all He has done.
To remember that my life is all about Him, and all that He is doing, and has yet to do.
Last year, I spent Easter mostly alone, complaining to my God, who continues to be everlastingly patient with me.
This year, I spent Easter with my husband. That's a step up! I tried my best to keep my eyes solely on my Lord, and off of myself.
And so, with my God continually working on my attitude, next year is looking bright and promising!
Happy Easter Monday!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Spring Cleaning my Prayer Life
You know how people say, in reference to new mothers, "When the baby sleeps you sleep"? I am not a new mother. Or an old mother, for that matter. But I think the same phrase can be used in my situation: "When the night-shift-pulling-RCMP-husband sleeps, you sleep". And now, as he is out protecting our friendly neighborhood, I'm wide awake and pondering the irony of a verse I read just this morning:
"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." -Psalm 4:7 (NIV)
Plus, I have a really big dog sleeping on the floor right next to my bed :) My little intro...now for a completely different topic...
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my "going to bed alone" prayers. As long as Jamie has held the job he has now, I've had the same prayer every time I have to crawl into bed alone while he's out on a night shift: Keep my husband safe. Bring him home to me. Have you ever noticed the selfishness that often creeps its way into our prayers, disguising itself so that we often don't even recognise it? I've started to ask myself just one question in reference to my prayers:
For whose Glory?
Of course I know what the answer SHOULD be. Would I cherish my husband's safety if he was required to deny his Lord to ensure it? Would it be worth him acting in a way that dishonored God in order to ensure that he would return home safetly at the end of his shift? This applies not just to my prayers regarding my husband's safetly on the job, but to every part of my life! Why do I even desire something if it's not for His glory? Well, the obvious answer: because I'm human. I'm flawed.
Undeservedly, but thankfully, I serve a God who has no plans to leave me where I am, but rather waits patiently for me while I stumble around and make a really good mess of things, only to realize that I simply don't have the power to improve myself all on my own. And then he molds and shapes and corrects and shows me that only in his power can I begin to improve my selfish attitudes and oh-so-limited-perceptions.
I've changed my prayers. Obviously, my husband's safety is still a very large part of my prayers. But at the forefront of each is my prayer that God will be glorified in every decision, every action, every word; remembering that this life, as much as we may cherish it, is not all there is; this is not our goal.
This is not our prize.
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble... For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many..."
- 1 Corinthians 10:31-33 (NIV)
Friday, April 3, 2009
One year and 500 ferry rides later...
I've learned much in the 15 months since leaving our home in NB.
Trust. Unfortunately, trust, does NOT mean believing that the Lord is making sure everything works out just how I'm expecting it too. It means that He will walk with me.
I feel like I'm at a strange point in life right now. I would not say that I'm going through a trial, because as I look around me at all the pain and struggles in the lives of so many believers, I feel that to say I'm going through trials would be an overstatement. Even while I struggle with the things I feel are "missing", God is showing me what a beautiful life I have.
I have a wonderful husband, who works unbelievably hard in a job that relatively few could handle. He does so without complaining, or bringing the stresses of his job home with him. Thank you Lord, for blessing me, and choosing this man for me.
We have found a wonderful church here, a church whose leaders and members put prayer at the forefront of their worship, and have a beautiful vision not just for the church, but for it's surrounding community. In NB, we lived next door to our church. We had many friends. We took part in weekly Youth leadership, bible studies, choir, and prayer night.
Here in NFLD, it takes us almost 2 hours (including a 20 minute ferry ride) to get to our church. This takes its toll. We are unable to be part of small groups, or weekly going-ons in the church. We don't know as many people. We're not as plugged in.
But praise the Lord that there is even a church to attend! With my husband's job, we could easily have been posted in a much more isolated community, possible with no church at all. I so enjoyed being an active part of our large church back home. I'm learning that may not be His plan for me while I am here. And as I remind myself almost on a daily basis: I am not here by accident. My husband's posting was not a surprise to My God. He knew; He planned it.
You go before me...You shield my way
Your hand upholds me. I know you love me.
I have a very good life, but I do struggle, on a daily basis, with the desire to live closer to our families. I am a person who could easily get so caught up in, "looking forward" that I miss the blessings and opportunities in front of me today. This is something God and I are working on.
A little Background...
October, 2004
My sister said, "I met the PERFECT guy". I said, "Wow...it's really too bad you're already married..." She meant perfect for me. We met for the first time in the sanctuary of the church that would soon become our home church. He had a beautiful and genuine smile. That was it.
October 14th, 2006
One of the happiest days :) You know the saying, "Today I married my friend"? Very, very true in this instance. Jamie is my best friend, the one God prepared for me. He is, to me, a beautiful reflection of Christ's patience, understanding, humility, and unconditional love. We married, promising to love one another during the easy times and the hard times. All couples stand at the alter and make this promise to one another, assuming that those "hard times" are still many tomorrows away. Not always so. Our "stresses" as husband and wife began very quickly...
December 30th, 2006
Jamie and I loved our first apartment. It was the bottom right apartment of a brick fourplex, and was so beautiful with it's fireplace and bright colors. I remember that it always smelled like freshly picked apples!! On the 30th, a fire began in the basement of the fourplex, and spread to our apartment. Many of our belongings (including wedding gifts) were unsalvagable due to smoke or fire damage, and we were left with no home. Thankfully, this didn't happen when were in bed asleep, but rather when I was at work, and Jamie was home but awake, and able to quickly exit the house.
God's word tells us to clothe the naked, and feed the hungry. Our church family was a very literal representation of this verse. We were taken into their arms, and provided with food, clothes, and MANY offers of places to live! Most importantly,we were bathed in their prayers! To this day, I am unsure as to what we would have done, had we not been part of such an amazing church family. God is so good, and so many wonderful blessings came from this time of our life. We grew closer to our God, closer to one another.
Mid-July, 2007
I remember the feeling the moment I got the phone call. My husband, on the other end of the line, had just recieved word that he would be leaving for, literally, the other side of the country for the next six months, to train for the position he now holds....oh, and also, he would be leaving in just under 2 weeks. The intensity of his upcoming training would make it impossible for me to move across the country with him, so we knew this would be goodbye. 6 months! I remember how excited he was, but also so hesitant, waiting for my reaction. We had known this was coming, but this made it real. We hadn't been married even a year yet, and had spent only a couple of those months actually living alone, in our own apartment. I felt like we hadn't yet been given the chance at a "regular marriage", and now he was leaving.
I only had one "nervous breakdown". About 3 weeks before our 1 year anniversary. At that point I felt like I missed him so much I couldn't breathe. Alone in our apartment, I cried and cried until I heard the phone ringing in the kitchen. It was my mom: she had decided she wanted to fly me out to see Jamie at the "halfway point" (3 months). I have the most amazing mother in the world: she has ALWAYS put her four children first. That being said, I don't think I've ever loved her more than at that point in time.
Our six months apart were so incredibly hard for me. I would cry everywhere: at home, at Sobeys, on the way to work, simply because I missed being with my husband. But those six months were SO good for me. So often, I heard the Lord again whispering to me, "No, lean on ME first." Before Jamie and I had ever met, He was my God. He was my All. He gives us human relationships to provide a physical example of our relationship with Him: but never to replace Him, or move Him to second place.
During this time, my God also painted on my heart many beautiful truths.
My husband is far away. But my God is not.
Our life together has been so difficult this far. But it hasn't. God asks so much more of many people. Our trials are so small.
Human relationships bring pain when individuals are physically or emotionally separated.
But my God will never leave me. Nothing can separate me from his love.
Six months apart brought us to January, 2008. We were reunited, but we still had the difficult task ahead of us of saying goodbye to our family, our friends, our church, and our life in New Brunwick. But not to our God. He was coming with us to Newfoundland.
My sister said, "I met the PERFECT guy". I said, "Wow...it's really too bad you're already married..." She meant perfect for me. We met for the first time in the sanctuary of the church that would soon become our home church. He had a beautiful and genuine smile. That was it.
October 14th, 2006
One of the happiest days :) You know the saying, "Today I married my friend"? Very, very true in this instance. Jamie is my best friend, the one God prepared for me. He is, to me, a beautiful reflection of Christ's patience, understanding, humility, and unconditional love. We married, promising to love one another during the easy times and the hard times. All couples stand at the alter and make this promise to one another, assuming that those "hard times" are still many tomorrows away. Not always so. Our "stresses" as husband and wife began very quickly...
December 30th, 2006
Jamie and I loved our first apartment. It was the bottom right apartment of a brick fourplex, and was so beautiful with it's fireplace and bright colors. I remember that it always smelled like freshly picked apples!! On the 30th, a fire began in the basement of the fourplex, and spread to our apartment. Many of our belongings (including wedding gifts) were unsalvagable due to smoke or fire damage, and we were left with no home. Thankfully, this didn't happen when were in bed asleep, but rather when I was at work, and Jamie was home but awake, and able to quickly exit the house.
God's word tells us to clothe the naked, and feed the hungry. Our church family was a very literal representation of this verse. We were taken into their arms, and provided with food, clothes, and MANY offers of places to live! Most importantly,we were bathed in their prayers! To this day, I am unsure as to what we would have done, had we not been part of such an amazing church family. God is so good, and so many wonderful blessings came from this time of our life. We grew closer to our God, closer to one another.
Mid-July, 2007
I remember the feeling the moment I got the phone call. My husband, on the other end of the line, had just recieved word that he would be leaving for, literally, the other side of the country for the next six months, to train for the position he now holds....oh, and also, he would be leaving in just under 2 weeks. The intensity of his upcoming training would make it impossible for me to move across the country with him, so we knew this would be goodbye. 6 months! I remember how excited he was, but also so hesitant, waiting for my reaction. We had known this was coming, but this made it real. We hadn't been married even a year yet, and had spent only a couple of those months actually living alone, in our own apartment. I felt like we hadn't yet been given the chance at a "regular marriage", and now he was leaving.
I only had one "nervous breakdown". About 3 weeks before our 1 year anniversary. At that point I felt like I missed him so much I couldn't breathe. Alone in our apartment, I cried and cried until I heard the phone ringing in the kitchen. It was my mom: she had decided she wanted to fly me out to see Jamie at the "halfway point" (3 months). I have the most amazing mother in the world: she has ALWAYS put her four children first. That being said, I don't think I've ever loved her more than at that point in time.
Our six months apart were so incredibly hard for me. I would cry everywhere: at home, at Sobeys, on the way to work, simply because I missed being with my husband. But those six months were SO good for me. So often, I heard the Lord again whispering to me, "No, lean on ME first." Before Jamie and I had ever met, He was my God. He was my All. He gives us human relationships to provide a physical example of our relationship with Him: but never to replace Him, or move Him to second place.
During this time, my God also painted on my heart many beautiful truths.
My husband is far away. But my God is not.
Our life together has been so difficult this far. But it hasn't. God asks so much more of many people. Our trials are so small.
Human relationships bring pain when individuals are physically or emotionally separated.
But my God will never leave me. Nothing can separate me from his love.
Six months apart brought us to January, 2008. We were reunited, but we still had the difficult task ahead of us of saying goodbye to our family, our friends, our church, and our life in New Brunwick. But not to our God. He was coming with us to Newfoundland.
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